Thoughts on Transition
“The foreigner excludes before being excluded, even more than [s]he is being excluded.”
-Kristeva
I feel like this quote defines my life—except replace “excludes” with “rejects” and “excluded” with “rejected.” It would read:
“The foreigner rejects before being rejected, even more than [s]he is being rejected.”
I’d like to think I know a thing or two about being a “foreigner.” I lived as expatriate in China. But even before then, I suppose I lacked the facility of fitting into groups. Don’t get me wrong—I have nothing against group socializing. I just can’t take very much of it before I start feeling overwhelmed with togetherness.
“Wait—we’re hanging out AGAIN?”
It’s sad, I know.
So, I excuse myself and retreat to be alone. By the time I get back, the group has formed its own in-jokes, which I don’t get.
It’s simple, really. If you preemptively reject someone or something, you prevent them from rejecting you. Pain avoided. You don’t miss the job you never applied for, the girl you never asked out, the group of friends you never had.
Except—it’s a pretty pathetic way to live.
